#31weeks

I am so invested in this little girl’s life experience. Maybe too invested.

And, if I’m honest, It’s terrifying. It’s pressurizing. It’s anxiety-producing.

We spend so much time together, avoiding enmeshment and projection feels dang near impossible. I feel too important. I feel too responsible for who she is and what she wants and how she’s doing. She’s so front and center to my world, she eclipses any other reference point.

And this is not just my experience. I’ve heard similar from others. This is what moms are up against. Namely the stay-at-home moms who have done personal growth work and prioritize positive, gentle, present, conscious parenting. The ones that are hyper aware of how our every interaction and intention has the potential of a lifetime of impact.

It’s exhausting to know so much. To know better requires we do better … and, ya’ll, it’s a heavy, heavy thing to hold the responsibility of changing the [proverbial] family tree. Especially in the age of pandemics and lockdowns and ever-changing individual and systemic standards.

How do we do it? “It” being finding a healthy balance of informed intentionality and differentiation, validating attention and adequate personal space, educated awareness and blissful innocence … conscious discipline and giving ourselves a break … learning our child and caring for ourselves. It’s just hard. Not impossible, but friggin’ hard!

Add pregnancy hormones and medication-induced anxiety … and, welp, that’s where I am. Thankfully, it’s not where I’ll stay.

LOVE.

Currently reading: “The Other Wife” by Claire McGowan
Currently playing: “Something Was Wrong” podcast, Season 1

30 weeks and counting

In case you hadn’t heard, we’re having another baby.

Like, soon.

Wait, what?

“I thought you were only going to have one?” Yea, we were.

“I didn’t even know you were trying!” Well, we weren’t.

But, here we are … and soon SHE will be, too.

It’s been a crazy few months of wrapping our heads AND attempting to wrap our LIVES around the idea of being a family of four. It’s been a lot of adjusting, a short season of grieving, and a little bit of surreal “going through the motions” toward a new reality. With a positive on an OTC pregnancy test, our house got too small, some plans got pushed back a few years, and my career, motherhood and homeschool trajectory got SHOOK.

Unlike my last pregnancy, this one has gone fast (having a toddler to chase makes the time go by faster … or the days blend together, I don’t know). Also, unlike my last pregnancy, this one wreaked havoc on my body from the start. I was tired and dizzy and nauseous the entire first trimester. The second trimester brought heartburn and body discomfort my way early. And this third one? Well, between the heartburn, hormones, shortness of breath, swelling, total fatigue, and anxiety/intrusive thoughts, bleh.

Suffice it to say, I am NOT a fan of pregnancy.

BUT, I am a fan of my daughters. I can’t wait to see Amber as a big sister. I’m so looking forward to seeing how similar and different our youngest will be. I had brothers, so the sister bond is intriguing to me.

She’s got a name. We’ve hired a doula. I’ve scheduled around maternity leave. I’ve stocked up on things. I’ve made the baby registry. So, we’re rolling toward our new reality while she’s kicking me in the ribs.

My hope is to share more here going forward - it’s been a long time coming and as I let go my counseling business (I’ll still be doing life consultation), I anticipate there being more time and energy. So, fingers crossed for here and prayers welcomed for what’s to come!