a tearful and thankful nod to kindergarten

Mrs. Brown and a group hug with her littles - 8 boys, 3 girls - before their end of the year program last week.

I’m an emotional wreck this morning. It’s the second to last day of Kindergarten for our oldest. Tomorrow, what’s become a second family to her will cease to exist. And I am grieving.

I am mourning the safety and kindness and comfort she’s been able to return to day after day for the last year. I’m grieving the innocence and freedom she’s experienced and exhibited. I’m grieving that she will never experience an environment so uninhibited and accepting and playful and authentic ever again.

Kindergarten is a unique grade, because it falls at an incredibly unique developmental stage. Innocence and impulsivity, honesty and heart, purity of personality and perspective, enthusiasm and energy, curiosity and increasing capability … they’re coming into themselves but are yet unfettered by life’s constraints (those imagined, ridiculous, and/or real). 

And, it’s just SO hard to say goodbye to this stage. 

Yes, there is new and beautiful and necessary and boundless to come … but I am so very aware (my education and profession have taught me this) it will NEVER be this way again. 

So, this week I grieve. 

She is mourning, as well. We’ve had lots of conversations about having more than one feeling at the same time and where we’re feeling it in our body and what we can/want to do with it all … 

And I’m holding her tight, marveling at this precious almost six-year-old we get to walk life alongside. She is effervescence and beauty and creativity and LIFE, and I just adore her …

Finally, I am grateful for the place she’s gotten to do school at these last three years. Grateful for the privilege to choose into it and to be present — to drop her off and pick her up and join in at times — throughout it. Grateful for the teachers she’s been taught and influenced and loved by. Grateful for the kids she’s played and fought and learned with — grateful for the families from which they came.

Because this is what’s true: While names and faces may fade from explicit memory over time, their bodies and minds WILL retain and navigate from THIS FOUNDATION of kindness, safety, love, play, and freedom they experienced with THIS kindergarten class. That is SUCH a big deal.

I am just so grateful. And sad. For now …

LOVE.

lyrics and life lessons

I’ve always loved Country music.

I can’t say it’s the only genre I’ve listened to (I did have that unfortunate foray into CCM in the early 2000’s, followed almost immediately by a pendulum swing into emo and classic rock), but it’s been my go-to since the early 90’s and my mom’s cassette tapes.

I like the storytelling. The talent. The little bit of patriotism and faith that peppers it. The fact that lyrics typically favor romance and beer over promiscuity and drugs …

I guess it’s also the subculture (or, at least, musical genre) to which I can best relate. Can’t say I like to/want to hunt animals for sport. And I’m not likely to ever own a tractor or anything bigger than a backyard hobby garden. But I do prefer wide, open spaces and beautiful trees over cement and city any day. I’ll always choose a backyard or boat hang over a bar or indoor amusement park. I’m not parked in front of the TV for college football like it’s religion, but I get it and respect it. ‘Cause here’s the thing - country music normalizes a simpler life. A pushing toward the stuff that really matters - family, friends, love and living life to the full … the lyrics proclaim those values, as well as the things, people, and processes that re-center us there.

That’s why I think I’ve been so welcoming of my oldest’s CONSTANT questions about the songs she hears. She is forever asking me some variation of “What’s [the singer] talking about?” …. and BECAUSE country music has a value system I can (mostly) align with, I’m able to have educational and life-giving conversations with my girl nearly each and every time a song wraps. It’s been the coolest. In developmentally appropriate ways, we’ve talked about working hard and responsibility and being treated like a queen by the kind of guy that would be worth her time and energy. We’ve talked about how God makes beautiful things and how hard stuff happens. We’ve talked about the meaning of perspective and how having a good attitude can change an experience. We’ve talked about alcoholism and cuss words. We’ve talked about what it means to be kind and grateful and generous, beautiful, confident and powerful. And the list goes on …

Curious: What are your kids learning from the music they’re hearing?

#31weeks

I am so invested in this little girl’s life experience. Maybe too invested.

And, if I’m honest, It’s terrifying. It’s pressurizing. It’s anxiety-producing.

We spend so much time together, avoiding enmeshment and projection feels dang near impossible. I feel too important. I feel too responsible for who she is and what she wants and how she’s doing. She’s so front and center to my world, she eclipses any other reference point.

And this is not just my experience. I’ve heard similar from others. This is what moms are up against. Namely the stay-at-home moms who have done personal growth work and prioritize positive, gentle, present, conscious parenting. The ones that are hyper aware of how our every interaction and intention has the potential of a lifetime of impact.

It’s exhausting to know so much. To know better requires we do better … and, ya’ll, it’s a heavy, heavy thing to hold the responsibility of changing the [proverbial] family tree. Especially in the age of pandemics and lockdowns and ever-changing individual and systemic standards.

How do we do it? “It” being finding a healthy balance of informed intentionality and differentiation, validating attention and adequate personal space, educated awareness and blissful innocence … conscious discipline and giving ourselves a break … learning our child and caring for ourselves. It’s just hard. Not impossible, but friggin’ hard!

Add pregnancy hormones and medication-induced anxiety … and, welp, that’s where I am. Thankfully, it’s not where I’ll stay.

LOVE.

Currently reading: “The Other Wife” by Claire McGowan
Currently playing: “Something Was Wrong” podcast, Season 1

I am grateful

I am grateful. For her. And him. And them. The dogs. The parents. The friends. The clients.

I am grateful. For the house. And the cars. And the bank account. The job. The work. The insurance.

I am grateful. For sun. Saturdays. Hot water. Cold lakes. Good wine. Fun music. Soup. Chocolate mousse. Soft sheets and pillows to cover my head. Lululemon leggings and messy buns. Long naptimes and short hugs and face smushes.

I am grateful. For grace. And life. And hope. Moments of peace. The power of prayer. Promise.

Amen and love.

on hormones

So, that night your baby has to do an unplanned 12-hour EEG … and your period decides to return … and your milk dries up? That’s a night you survive. It’s two days later you fall apart.

Eck. Weaning and #momfear and menstruation are a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE, NO GOOD, VERY BAD combo.

a typical morning

This is some more real life right here. She’s napping and I’m pumping. Double pumping. Hands-free (Yay?!) with the pumping bra. Look at those tummy rolls. No makeup. Bed hair. That’s right, I woke up like this. So, so sexy. I know you’re jealous.

4.5 months

Well, the butt is significantly better. Whoo-hoo. Though, in truth, it’s still pretty awful - the Miralax, the Fibercon, the pain relievers, the post-poop cream, the weekly pelvic floor therapy appointments. Again, I feel super, super sexy. Not.

But, the pain is in the 1-3 range, versus the 7-9 range like it was, so I get to be a present mom these days … and that’s so, so good. And what does that look like?

• Two-stepping to Jake Owen’s “Down to the Honkeytonk” around the living room couch in the mornings.

• Responding excitedly to her baby babble like I understand what she’s saying.

• Aerobic booty dancing to Major Lazer while she watches entranced from her back on the floor.

• Reading peek-a-boo books in the glider before bed.

• Going for walks around the neighborhood the second it cools off even a little bit.

• Singing Chris Stapleton’s “Millionaire” to her while she leans back on my knees.

• Handing her Lphant, reindeer rattle, paci, or spoon each and every time she drops them.

• Helping her push Grissom’s kisses away when they get too intense.

• Playing with her in the pool.

• Rubbing her back and humming “Rock-A-By-Baby” to her when she wakes up restless (but still sleepy) from a nap.

• Walking in to get her up at 7 am, my “Good Morning, Baby Girl” met with eye contact and bright smiles as she pushes up from her chest.

• Cleaning all her little parts while she kicks and splashes and coos in her baby bathtub.

• Hands-free pumping while I spin and shake and hum along with her toys for her as she lays on her back and watches and grabs and chatters on about something.

• Crying happy and grateful tears while I sing her Bruno Mars’ “Just the Way You Are” and Dierks Bentley’s “Living.”

I just love her. All of her. Her big blue eyes, her eager hands, her interest and alertness, her coos, her cries, her baby bird hair, the dimple on her cheek … even her smelly feet. She’s a blessing I didn’t even know why or how much I wanted or needed. I am grateful.

Love.

12 weeks old

It’s a cute picture - mommy and baby on the floor. Maybe it’s naptime. Maybe it’s tummy time. Either way, it’s a cute selfie.

And it is. But, it’s not the full story. The full story is that I HAD to put her down on the floor because I can’t sit down - not only because my butt hurts so bad, but also because the medication I’m using to try and remedy my butt problem tends to creep forward and create pain in my frontal regions if I’m not laying down.  

I’d rather be holding her, rocking her to sleep. 

But this is how it is, because of my butt. The TMI: two fissures that are not healing because I don’t always poop liquid (uh, who does?!), and, therefore recreate a problem every other day. And the fissures are excruitiatingly painful and distracting from life and sleep and productivity. Also, not sexy. But, duh.

Unfortunately, because of this pain, I have not been the mother I want to be. As soon as I got past the hard newborn stage I wrote about in previous posts, I walked right into this butt problem. I resent it. Because I love her. I really do. I don’t even want to go back to work because I just want to be with her and engage her and soak up her all her coos and smiles and curious glances. I worry what the tension in my body is transmitting to her when she feeds or we get a pain-free minute to snuggle. I worry she’ll be in therapy when she’s 25 because my butt created a fracturing in attachment development ... Crazy thinking? Maybe. Maybe not.

And because the goal is soft poop, I’m supposed to take Miralax. While safe for breastfeeding, it’s not - because it redirects  all the water you take in to your gut. So, my milk supply is severely dwindling. The one blessing there is that the doc said it’s really just the first two to three months that breast milk has its major impact. So, made that. Whew.

Forgive how poorly written this post may be - I’m more typing as an update ... and for catharsis. This just plain sucks. So much.  

Pray for healing, because I do t know how to enjoy life like this, let alone mother well ... 

6 weeks old

It's starting to feel more real. Or maybe I am ... starting to feel more real, that is. It's like I've finally gotten a grasp on myself in this new reality. It's still a little disorienting, but I'm feeling more capable of navigating it without leaving myself behind.

We've gotten into a bit of a routine now. I know when she's hungry. I know when she's gassy. I know when she doesn't want her paci and when it's the only thing she's looking for. I've learned she really likes baths (love the warm water like her parents ...) and doesn't completely hate having her diaper changed (turns out, changing her BEFORE she's eaten is NOT the way to go). 

She's way more alert the past week or so - follows me with her eyes and seems to hold a gaze. Whatever that does for connection, it's something solid, because I definitely find myself more entranced and in love with her than I did prior. Her cries cause less distress in me than they did prior. I equate that to a sense of capability and adaptability I've discovered (or grown?). I'm less anxious about doing what it takes to take care of her (and, honestly, myself). That's a bit freeing.

Now my anxieties have more to do with getting a nanny and what my practice will look like financially as I head back to work next month. Time will tell ...

LOVE.

3 weeks old

The Mr. goes back to work tomorrow. 

And I hate everything as a result.

Honestly, I don’t know how it’s going to work for me to do this newborn wrangling thing without him. It’s not so much that I NEED the help - though, yes, having an extra set of hands to grab me food and water and my phone when I’ve got a baby attached to my chest, is pretty wonderfully “handy” ... and I will miss terribly everything he’s been on top of - it’s that I need the partner in the mess. I never realized how much I want/need someone I can just be raw with and feel supported by ... And thinking about doing the hard stuff solo, navigating the mental challenge and emotional energy required, well .... it feels really, really daunting. Kind of impossible, really.

Now, she‘s very cute. Wonderfully sweet when she’s sleeping on my shoulder. Mesmerizing as she’s making faces, working her digestive system out. She’s a beautiful baby (and I say that realizing I’m biased, but confident that I’m also right). But, it’s not enough to make these days, this season of living, enjoyable. (Yet?)

I hate myself for thinking that. I genuinly wonder if it’s proof of the “I probably wasn’t meant to be a mom” concept that’s always nagged at the back of my mind. Would good moms struggle so much with this gigantic change of life? This physical lockdown (two months before hanging out in public places?! I DIDN’T KNOW!)? The physical/body toll? This emotional turmoil? I swear no one has ever relayed their dismay about having a kid like I’m feeling. So, it’s gotta be just me, right? 

And I hate that thought. I hate it for her. She deserves better. I wish I had known better. She deserves better than me. Than this. 

So, somehow, I have to figure out how to become what I’m not. How to feel good about what doesn’t. Because she deserves better. 

I just don’t know how. 

Help? 

Love.

2 weeks old

It’s all still hard, but it’s getting better. Whether that is because of the human ability to adapt to new circumstances or because it’s legitimately slightly easier two weeks in than it was at a week and a half in, I can’t honestly say .... but it’s a tad bit better.

And she’s still adorable. And warm. And squishy. And when she falls asleep on me, immediately after nursing? There’s very little in the world that feels better.  

But she’s been air-side for TWO WEEKS. It feels so much longer and like it’s flown by at the same time. If this is any indication of how fast time will move through her childhood, I’m terrified and sad ... I don’t want to miss it. I want to cherish it. I want to be transformed by the pure joy of it. She’s precious and I never want to lose sight of that ... in fact, I want it to be so real for me that I can’t help but transfer that truth to her ... that she’ll believe it about herself and act and feel accordingly. 

I’ve spent a lot of time holding her and praying over her this past week - for her protection and health and wisdom and salvation and sanctification and innocence and confidence and mental health and relationships ... and I just get the sense that God and I are going to be talking a lot more simply because she exists. 

That’s not a bad by-product of these hard and sacred times.  

Love. 

UPDATE: It’s a few hours later and I’m on the edge again. A little resentful, a lot lonely, a whole lot more insecure - about my mothering, my instincts, my future ... and it’s feeling really heavy again right now.  I’m tired with no good sleep in sight. I can’t poop or sit comfortably like I could just two weeks ago ... and it’s crazy how body discomfort can really mess with a mind (see previous post at 37 weeks, ha). 

So there’s that real life. 

Love. 

40 weeks

It’s my due date, and I already have an almost two week old baby girl.

I’m celebrating by changing a dozen diapers, offering up my boobs every couple of hours, trying half a dozen techniques to calm crying (with little, to no, success), and sitting and standing with an excessive amount of caution due to tears in the lady parts.

This ish is hard. Harder than I could have expected. Harder than I wanted. Harder than I would have signed up for. We’ve walked into a very harsh reality. One that is self-doubt inducing, emotionally overwhelming, relationally challenging, and worldview confounding.

In these first days as a family of three, I’ve marveled at her every feature, took thousands of pictures, cuddled her close and posted my pride on social media. But, in and out of those days, I’ve also had what one mom friend called “buyer’s remorse.” I’ve wondered out loud, “what have we done?,” and “what if I’m not wired for this ... what if I forced His hand and she’s going to pay the price for what I lack?” I’ve felt my blood pressure rise, my survival instinct flair up, at a hint of a whimper. I’ve worked hard at breathing deeply when she’s at my breast, hoping against hope that somehow I can spare her reading (and transferring) anxiety from her caregiver. I’ve struggled, tears streaming down my face, just wanting to hear my husband say all these feelings are normal and that I am a good mother, that, somehow, he’s seen me show up and impress him with my maternal instincts. And I’ve cried more, alone on the corner of the couch, when he’s remained silent. 

This is hard. She’s beautiful and precious. And I can’t help feeling like she deserves better than I’m giving her. And that’s all I’ve got right now.

Love. 

37 weeks

Well, nothing about this is enjoyable.  

I feel disgusting. My thighs are - not kidding - double their normal size. I’ve got a double chin developing. I’ve gained 50 pounds. 5-0. These boobs I paid for? No longer sexy. My ankles and feet and hands are swollen. The extra weight has turned into plantar fasciitis pain in BOTH feet. The belly (and she who dwells/moves within) has turned into very regular and painfully acute back pain - especially while sitting or laying down. The influx of hormones equates to sweat-soaked tossing and turning throughout the night, EVERY night. There’s the bruised ribs, from her stretching ... and the pain in my pelvic area EVERY time I stand up. And the itchy, stretching skin? Yea, that just started. And sometimes when I walk? Feels like I just tore my hip out of joint. 

I can’t paint my toenails. Or bend down. Or help do ANYTHING. 

In my discomfort, I’m grouchy and on edge. I legitimately have a new-found compassion and understanding for chronic pain patients. I will never judge your opioid addiction or grouchiness again. Not being able to be and or do what is desired, when it’s desired and how it’s desired is its own kind of hell.

Hell. 

Now, I know I’m supposed to preface or back-end this complaint with commentary on how it will all be worth it - that the temporary struggle pales in comparison to the joy having a child will bring - but I don’t do platitudes. I also don’t speak from inexperience.

So, all I can say is that I hope I like her. I truly hope I have some astonishing measure of magical connection/attachment to this being I helped create. Right now, I’m just marveling (with slight disgust and an ounce of disdain) at my audacity in thinking I had any right or wisdom enough to embark on plotting for parenthood. Foolish human.

I hope she comes soon. I hope she doesn’t. I’m scared of when she does. I’m eager to find out how it plays out. I want a known in all this unknown. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m worried about what life looks like when we’re permanently three instead of two. I’m a bigger dichotomy then I’ve ever been and it’s driving me a little bit crazy. The hormones are not helping. 

Relaxin sucks. Ironically. 

And that’s all I’ve got for this Mother’s Day morning. Thanks for letting me be real. 

Love. 

peace and presence

My work this pregnancy, besides the obvious (i.e. growing a human), has been a lot of peacing out and trying to stay present. And, yes, it’s work. Hard, intentional, purposeful WORK.

Let me explain: 

Peacing Out 

This isn’t leaving, it’s anxiety management. It’s calming my body down the very second I notice tension building. It’s choosing into a meditative practice when there’s still a list of other things to be done. It’s taking the automatic negative thoughts and the circular thinking and challenging them with truths, again and again and again .... and again. 

None of that comes naturally to me, but I know too much to discount the benefits of or to sidestep the work. 

My hypnobirthing classes and resources have been invaluable in the process (more to come on that later), as has my professional training and experience ...

I KNOW how important it is to a developing brain to know peace and calm versus fight or flight. I KNOW that anxious parents produce anxious kids. I KNOW we often manifest that on which we ruminate. I KNOW good parenting begins in pregnancy. I also KNOW that 0-18 months is when innate personality traits, secure attachment, and coping strategies are wired into a brain.

So, I choose to work hard at peacing out. Working hard at letting go, freeing up, and calming down. And it’s good. 

Stay Present

If I have my way (at least in my current mind), this is the only time I’m doing the whole pregnancy she-bang. The only time I’ll watch my stomach expand beyond a food belly. The only time I’ll get to put the Mr.’s hand on that belly to feel an inner tumble. The only time I’ll have a baby shower. The only time I’ll have a viable reason to eat two cupcakes for breakfast ... 

The last time the Mr. and I will be just us. That thought makes me tear up every single time.  Cause I love us. I really do. And I am mourning the change, despite the excitement over what’s to come.

So, I don’t want to miss the blessing that is this passing season. As a result, I have to work to stay in the moments - to catch and stop myself when my mind jumps into tomorrow’s what if’s. Reminding myself that my energies are best engaged in today’s experience instead of spent out on tomorrow’s ideas ... it’s work. 

But, it’s worth it. I like being here with my boys, squishing the pups and leaning into my husband. These are beautiful moments - spent chatting on the patio, in front of nightly Blue Bloods, listening to 80’s metal while putting a dresser together, online boat shopping, walking the neighborhood and local festivals ... I love this life. And, honestly, I wouldn’t want to bring a new love into a life I didn’t love so much.

So, my work is peacing out and staying present. For the remaining two months of this pregnancy ... and, God-willing, for the rest of this beautiful life. 

23 weeks

Being pregnant is so weird.

It's exciting. It's humbling. It's terrifying. It's perfectly surreal.

As my belly has grown (and with it, aches and attention), I keep being struck with the thought: Is this real life?

And that thought is not at all unfamiliar. I distinctly remember living with that emotional distance and suspended belief when I got married. Before that, it showed up when he put a ring on my finger. Before that, in the dating.

These romantic ideals and joyful milestones in life ... I can't quite shake the thought that I never fully believed they were for me. I mean, for me, TOO. I think I may have thought I was an exception. And I don't know where that evolved from, but my current (and past) bewilderment seems to indicate there has to have been a genesis, right?

Regardless, the fact that there's a living, moving being in my abdominal region right now? The idea that I might actually be a real mom, tasked with the gift of loving and raising a human in just a few short months? It's all just SO weird. That this is happening.

But I'm grateful, even if not fully conscious to it all yet.