wherever you go or right now

“Why is life so hard? It’s because you’re doing it right.”

— Dr. Joel C. Hunter

Sure, taken out of context (or stated to a non-believer), it's not necessarily a true statement. But, it was poignant this past weekend, as our teaching pastor talked about how abundant life in Christ is rarely easy and how disillusioned (or, worse — shallow) that has left American Christians. He told us God HAS promised us peace and good things, but ease? Not so much.

Good word.

Yet, we expect ease, don't we? In fact, we angle for it. We spend out lives pursuing it. But, any read of Scripture puts us face to face with a faith hall of fame that dealt with crap upon crap — pain, imprisonment, delayed gratification, battle, loss, embarrassment, etc., etc — and only became "great" out of the growth it all sparked.

How can we ignore that truth?

I'm not saying we should expect crap because we love God, I'm just saying that maybe we should anticipate it … and let it draw us nearer to Him and His purposes. And that in the midst of the crap, maybe we should hold tight to what I was reading just this weekend in Joshua 1: "Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord you God is with you wherever you go."

Currently playing: "Smoke a Little Smoke" by Eric Church

"I wanna a little more right and a little less left, a little more "right now," a little less "what's next," act like tomorrow's ten years away and just kick back and let the feeling flow ..."

on being robbed

Sometime on Thursday, between when I kissed my husband goodbye in the driveway at 8 a.m. and when he arrived back home at 5 p.m., someone broke into our home.

We are okay. They didn't take much. We have insurance and a police report and supportive friends and family and fingerprint dust covering our furniture. We feel blessed, so very aware of how much worse it could have been.

Still, we're grieving. We've lost a modicum of innocence and a whole lot of peace of mind. The minute you're violated, everything and everyone becomes suspicious. My husband, a leader and protector, is angry in the face of a vulnerability he/we can never fully guard against. I, a girl wired for security, am newly afraid to be alone in my own home.

Not knowing why and who and when and if is troubling.

But I am grateful that my husband's first inclination was to be together, to trust one another and above all, to expect God to protect and direct and teach in the midst of this unexpected and unusual circumstance.

We'll get over it. We'll learn from it — buy a safe, turn on our alarm system and maybe get to know our neighbors better. But, for right now, we're going to explore why and how this experience shakes us. And I'll keep looking out the window and leaving the television on and wishing/praying people weren't so broken …

Has this ever happened to you?

on adjustment disorder

That's what she checked on my paperwork. Unspecified. A quick look at my DSM and I think she may be on to something. Though, the Unspecified subtype is debatable ... I could probably make a case for "With Mixed Disturbance of Emotions and Conduct" ...

At least she didn't use a specifier for course. That could have been disheartening.

Still, it's one thing to put a name on a feeling, it's another thing entirely to understand and overcome the cause of that feeling. The more I learn, the more I think things like the DSM exist just to put names on normal (not abnormal) human response to life.

After all, I recently got married and started school and changed job function (to some extent), why wouldn't I expect to have a period of adjustment? Of course, predisposed to depression and anxiety as a type A, oldest child with a thread of perfectionism (and low serotonin) coursing through my veins, my means of adjusting to big events in life (good and bad) may look different than yours. Your normal is different than mine.

Maybe that's what the Bible was getting at when it tells us not to be so judgmental. Maybe that's what the Bible was getting at when it tells us to be more encouraging and loving. Maybe tolerance looks a little less like putting up with something and a whole lot more like expanding your definition of "normal" — for yourself and others. I don't know, it's just a thought.

I mean, what is pathological anyway? Casey Anthony? Certainly. But something (generations ago or in her childhood or even in her biology) happened to take her down that "abnormal" path of lies and narcissism. But haven't we all been walking down that path since the Fall — away from the standard of beauty and perfection we were created within and wired for? This side of heaven, abnormal IS normal. When it's not blatantly evil or destructive, it's what Gerard Hopkins called "pied beauty" — perfect imperfections, idiosyncrasies ... the creative quality of God's unique designs. And the Holy Spirit working within us this side of Heaven is our internal call to or craving for what WAS and what WILL BE again — a wholeness and peace and indisputable wellness that, by the grace of God, we catch glimpses of now and then... and it shows up, not at all ironically, in (and/or as a result of) our moments of weakness, our imperfections, our fears, our flaws ... because within those, from those, we acknowledge the gap ... the need for salvation ... the hope before us.

Light is brighter, more glorious, when you're exiting a dark place, you know?

happy 30th to me

I'm really blessed. Unbelievably. Undeservedly. I've got the best parents in the world. My husband is absolutely perfect for me. My beloved brothers married girls I consider best friends. My nephew is the cutest kid I've ever encountered. I love what I'm learning in school. I work with some of the best people I know. My friends are many and marvelous. Etc. Etc. ...

And instead of concentrating on why such unmerited favor scares me, I'm going to do that thing I'm slowly learning to do better — bask in it for a second:

Saturday morning the Mr. went into work late, first taking me into Winter Park to go on the scenic boat tour. He knows me well - a boat and a lake and my family and a bunch of gawking at fancy houses? Bliss! We all hit up Keke's for breakfast afterward ... and I was gifted with gift cards enough to get a Kindle (even got loaned an ebook today!).

Sunday night was a wonderful dinner date night at Seasons 52.

Yesterday evening was a rare free Monday from school, so the Mr. came home after work and we took a late night run, changed the fan in our bathroom and watched some CSI. It was an incredibly relaxing end to what was a very stress-ful day.

Then, this morning, the Mr. got up early on his day off to make me an omelette and present me with a new ipod nano.

Off to work I went and there the love continued. iphone serenades, a trip to Jersey Mike's, ice cream sandwiches (after a failed cupcake inquiry) and a call from the mom-in-law.

Tonight we party. Casually. Without a plan. And because we can. Thank you Jesus.

*This is one of those posts where I'm writing so that I remember.

on my next thirty years

When Tim McGraw sang that onto the Billboard charts back in 2000, 30 was OLD. At least to me. It was like everything else was to me back then — career, marriage, health, kids — just far off in the future, important but insignificant, and to be dealt with later.

I blow out 30 candles next week. 30. Now I'm married. And kids are a viable option (sorta, I mean, give me five years and a little more certainty, please). I have a career and I'm in grad school studying to expand it. I have a house, monthly prescriptions, a retirement account, a nephew, a slowing metabolism and a budget.

At some point over the past 30 years, I grew up.

But I don't feel OLD. Will I ever? I hope not. In the meantime ...

1. I'd like to grow my own vegetables and herbs, eliminate the sugars and all the processed crap from my diet.
2. I want to get back in good enough shape to wear this bathing suit and run a half-marathon.
3. I'd like to visit British Columbia, go snowboarding and hit the Bahamas.
4. I want to work for myself, helping people break through the tough stuff in life and take steps toward their potential in Christ.
5. I will keep my priorities in check — making hard decisions accordingly: God, husband, family, health, friends, school/work.
6. I'll improve my memory by taking more pictures and writing about it (prolly here).
7. I want to do what it takes to have the kind of marriage that sustains, supports, inspires and experiences joy over and over again. I will keep being the girl of his dreams.
8. We'll have people over for dinner "just because," even if the house is messy.
9. I'd like it all to be less and less about me and more and more about you.

My dreams aren't big ... and they're barely even specific ... but they're what I've got. I mean, success doesn't mean so much to me anymore. I value downtime. Family time. Fresh, low-calorie meals. Coffee. Simplicity. Less television and less internet. I've come to terms with the inevitability of ambiguity and chaos, learned not to hold to anything too tight. I am not shocked or impressed easily — everyone's got junk, and I think it's a point of connection, not dysfunction — that therein lies God's grace in the midst of total depravity. And I don't know if its the sertraline or a growing wisdom, but I don't feel a need to commit to more than a few things and a few people these days. I'd rather love better than like more, because people and relationships are more beautiful to me than they used to be. So is the warm glow of evening — the setting sun over water or peaking through trees. I like to bask. Adventure seems more elusive recently, but totally more alluring. Being fully present feels safer to me than being affected by the "mights" and "ifs" of the future and/or the past... and, yea, this is who I am ... headed toward where I'll be.

Bring it on baby. Love.

on our wedding — the details

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Ladies and gentlemen, the wedding pictures (most by Gary) are up on Flickr. There's 400+, 85 of which I put on Facebook ...

The details — for those who like that kind of thing (like me):

Catering (dinner and desserts): 4Rivers Smokehouse
Venue: Orlando Science Center (Helen Tillem is the contact)
Day-of Coordinator: Lauren McLaughlin
Hair: Delores of Mitchell-Wade Salon in Oviedo
Floral: Oviedo Florist
Makeup: Me with Bobbi Brown cosmetics
Dress: David's Bridal
Photographer: Gary Fox Photography
Photobooth: Oh Snap! Orlando
Bartender: Leslie with Weddings Inc. (Terri was the contact)
Alcohol: Costco and ABC Liquor
Bridesmaid dresses: American Eagle Outfitters
Audio/Lighting: Bradley Nolff
MC: Marty Taylor
Officiant: Dr. Dan Lacich
Groom's attire: Macy's (Tommy Hilfiger slacks, DKNY shirt)
Suspenders: JC Penney
Centerpiece vases: Goodwill, flea market, garage sales, Dede
Favors: Oatmeal Creme Pies (Little Debbie!)

MUSIC:

Greg's ceremony kick-off: "Canon Rock"

Tracy's walk-down: "Before I Met You" by The Grassmasters

Ceremony exit: Huey Lewis' "Power of Love" (edited down by Greg)

First Dance: Cross Canadian Ragweed's "Constantly" (edited down by Greg)

Dad/Daughter - Mother/Son Dance: "Let Your Love Flow" by The Bellamy Brothers

The cloth napkins, burlap table runners, favors, ceremony cue cards, table numbers, seating chart, aisle decor, reserved signs, sweetheart table backdrop, blessing tree guest book, etc. were DIY shared between me, Kelsi, my mom and Greg's mom, Karen.

Stellar work by all involved.